This Relationship Coach Wants You to Appreciate Yourself First

In this week’s Tell Me About Yourself, we’re highlighting NYC-based Relationship and Wellness Coach Shula Melamed, MA, MPH. Check out her interview answers below!

How would you describe your job to a 3-year-old (okay maybe a 15 y/o)?

I help people have better relationships; to each other, to themselves, to their bodies and their communities.

What inspired you to get into your field?

I had a brief stint in the dating industry 15 years ago that made me realize how much people needed help relating. Maybe I’ll write a book about it one day!

What is the most rewarding aspect of your job?

Giving people the tools to learn how to appreciate and love themselves as well as the people in their lives.

What is the most challenging aspect of your job?

A challenging piece that I love is helping folks recognize what is a product of cultural conditioning and what is the true heart’s desire; relationship-wise, work-wise, life-wise and even sexually.

What 3 words would your clients use to describe you?

Open, warm, and direct.

What advice would you give to people to advocate for themselves with their health care providers (aka you)?

Speak up! Let us know what you would like to work on or are struggling with. Be an advocate for your health and wellness.

To learn more about Shula or contact her about coaching services, check out her website. Mention “tabú” for a free consultation! You can also read her content for tabú.

Header image illustrated by Leonor Carvalho

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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