How to Have Same-Sex Safe Sex

Have the same genitals as your partner? Let’s talk about it!

Q1: “How do I practice safe sex with someone of the same sex? Are there condoms or protection I can use? Specifically, how do I a female with a vagina have sex with another person with a body like mine?”

Q2: “Where do I get more resources on ftf sex? I guess I have always only been exposed to heteronormative sex and was wondering where I could learn about how women have sex with women – further resources on what can occur?”

I’m so happy you’re asking these questions! So many of us get a high school sex education that completely leaves out same-sex experiences. I wish it weren’t so hard to come by this type of important information but kudos to you for caring about your sexual health and for taking the time to look for reliable resources and information. Luckily there are many ways that you can make sex safer with someone who has the same genitals as you do!

General Resources for Non-Hetero Sex Technique

For people with vaginas: Check out this online guide for your first time having sex with someone who also has a vagina. If you’re into books, The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, A Passionate Guide for All of Us by Felice Newman is hard to beat.

For people with penises: Check out this guide to anal sex or this list of books about how to have sex with someone else who has a penis.

Know Where to Get Reliable Info About STIs

STIs are transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids (such as semen/cum, vaginal fluid, blood, fecal matter, or saliva) or via skin to skin contact.

Knowing how different STIs are transmitted and how different STIs can affect you will help you make informed decisions about what makes sex feel safe and comfortable for you. Check out tabú’s comprehensive guide to STIs! Planned Parenthood and the CDC are also reliable resources.

It’s helpful to know that different sex acts carry different STI risks. The chart below shows which sex acts can transmit which STIs.

Know Your STI Status

In most states, you can get free or low-cost STI testing at community clinics. You can also get STI testing through a gynecologist. You can get tested for most major STIs like HIV, hepatitis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. Once you know your status and your sex partner’s status, you’ll have a clearer idea of what types of STIs you might need to protect against. However, some STIs are a little more difficult to test for. For example, people with penises cannot be tested for HPV, even if they carry the virus.

When you have a new sex partner, it’s helpful to have a conversation about your STI status before having sexual contact, that way you can plan what types of protection you will want to use. It can be a little daunting to bring this up with a new partner and there’s no right way to start this conversation. Before having these conversations with a partner, think about what your personal boundaries are, how you will communicate them, and what you would want to know about a partner to feel comfortable proceeding with sex. That way, you know what you hope to get out of the conversation before jumping into it.

Use Barriers

Whether you’re having sex with someone of the same sex or not, finding an effective barrier can greatly reduce the chance of STI transmission. A barrier (the most common example is a condom) prevents bodily fluids from passing between partners.

Vaginas/Vulvas

If you and your partner have vulvas, dental dams and finger cots are good barriers to look in to.

Dental dams are square pieces of latex that you place over the vulva and vaginal opening when you are performing oral sex on a partner. This ensures that partners do not come in contact with each others’ saliva and vaginal fluid.

Finger cots are like little condoms you wear over your fingers! Honestly, there’s not a really high risk of STI transmission from fingering someone’s vagina unless you have cuts on your fingers that would open up a pathway for transmission via blood/vaginal fluid.

If you’re using sex toys with a partner, put a condom over the toy when using it on a partner and change the condom if you’re going to use the same toy on yourself.

Penises

If you and your partner have penises, wearing condoms during oral sex and/or anal sex will prevent partners from coming into contact with each others’ semen/cum. If you are having anal sex it is particularly important to use condoms for protection because the anus does not self-lubricate which makes it more susceptible to small fissures or tears during penetrative sex which could open up pathways for STI transmission. Wearing a condom and using a lot of lube is your best bet for making anal both safer and more pleasurable!

Choose Sex Acts That Reduce Risk of STI Transmission

If you know that you or a partner has a certain STI, you can choose to engage in sex acts that are less likely to put you at risk of transmission. For example, if you’re having an active herpes outbreak on your mouth, you can avoid kissing a partner until the sores go away and stick to manual sex (fingering your partner or giving a handjob) so that there is no mouth to genital contact that would potentially transmit the herpes virus.

Additionally, you can always use sex toys such as dildos and vibrators to penetrate your partner or stimulate them. This can provide similar sensations to those you would provide with your body but give you a way to strategically avoid mouth-genital contact, genital-genital contact, or skin to skin contact depending on what STIs you’re working with.

Thanks for your questions!

Header image illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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