Spectatoring: How to Stop Getting Distracted During Sex and Fully Embrace Your Pleasure

Is spectatoring blocking your pleasure? Some wild thoughts have no place in your bedroom.

Where does your mind wander during sex? To the ever-growing to-do list or the deadline you just realized you passed, it can be hard to be mentally present every minute of the day. Sometimes you might even feel as if you’re an outsider observing yourself going through the motions. This even happens to some people mid-coitus. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. This out of body feeling you’re having might be spectatoring.

Masters and Johnson, the inspirations for the show Masters of Sex, defined the term as experiencing yourself and sexual activity from a third person perspective. This is often accompanied with negative internal dialogue with oneself. The conversation is usually about how your partner perceives your body or your sexual performance. This feeling is very similar to males who experience performance anxiety during intercourse. A barrage of self-critical thoughts about their skills makes it difficult to obtain and maintain an erection.

It has been scientifically proven that spectatoring can prevent you from enjoying those euphoric feelings. Intense self focus just fuels any anxiety you may already have. Researchers Faith and Schare (1993) observed individuals who chronically, negatively focused on their bodily appearance would tend to be sexually avoidant and would therefore demonstrate lower levels of sexual experience than less self-focused individual. So how do you let this feeling go? Here’s a couple of quick tips to help fight spectatoring.

What’s coming up in your wild thoughts?

Don’t Spectate, Meditate Instead!

Mindfulness isn’t just for Buddhists or for those who practice yoga. Practice thinking about nothing, but what’s happening in the moment. Start with very short time frames, maybe 30 seconds, and be mindful for only 30 seconds at a time. Then you gradually increase the time frame in steady increments daily. Imagine it as weight lifting for your brain! Strengthening this skill in a non-sexual setting will help when it comes time for intercourse. You can’t expect to do something during sex that you never attempted beforehand. Practice, practice, practice!

Pay Attention To Your Sensual Pleasure

Focusing on your senses can help anchor you in the moment. Instead of the thinking about the act in its entirety, break it down. What are you smelling, feeling, or tasting in that moment? You can even take each sense apart and focus on it in smaller parts. How does your partner’s skin feel under your hands? Is it soft, hot, or both? Utilizing this technique can help affix you in the moment and avoid mentally drifting off.

Address The Issue With Your Partner

Have an honest and frank conversation about what you’re feeling. If your partner is intuitive, they may already know that something is off during your sexual rendezvous. Conveying how you feel aloud could help achieve some clarity. Was this feeling sparked by something that they said? Not communicating directly about a problem can manifest in different ways. A couple’s therapist may also be a viable option.

Lastly, but certainly not least, be kind with yourself. Everyone feels self-conscious about their bodies at one time in their lives. Yes, even Beyoncé. Sometimes it sneaks up on us at the most inopportune times. It might take work, but you can overcome this feeling.

Header image illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

Modern sex essentials

Related reading

Check out the pod

Plant-based, Science-backed Supplements

use code TABU for 20% off

---

This article may contain affiliate links. Meaning? If you click one and make a purchase, we earn a commission.  This helps us keep creating fire content so you can stay informed and empowered. 🔥 Thank you!