How Do I Get My Partner to Wear a Condom?

Time to talk about safe sex. Like actually, you’re gonna have to talk.

Few things are more cringe-worthy than interrupting seemingly imminent sex to utter the words, “Do you have a condom?” but one of them is hearing your soon-to-be sexual partner answer, “Uhm… no”.

We get it. Talking about safe sex seems safely unsexy, and attempting to do so might lead to awkwardness or–the horror–no sex, so it makes sense to put it off… But putting it off can lead to the scenario mentioned in the first paragraph, aka the worst kind of sexlessness: horny, naked, already in bed.

Don’t worry. Negotiating your way into a wild, fun, super sexy and super safe sex session doesn’t have to be (that) awkward, and some might argue* it’s a necessary part of having a healthy sex life.

Here’s our advice.

1. Choose the right time.

As with all negotiations, approaching the subject at the right moment is half the battle. And when it comes to condoms, it’s ideally before taking each other’s clothes off.

Whatever the case, and even if you’re already naked and ready to go, don’t forget you are entitled to be heard and respected, and you can always say no if your request for protection is denied.

2. Always be prepared.

Of course, you don’t always have the time (or desire) to talk to your partner before having sex, and that’s why prevention is key. Make sure you have a condom with you at all times, or at least when you think some action might occur, to avoid being pressured into not using one just because it’s inconvenient.

3. Be clear and decisive.

Take all your facts with you, so you can out-rationalize all arguments. We have some suggestions that might help you.

• If your partner says it doesn’t feel as good with a condom, suggest trying out a new kind of thinner or texturized ones. Personal experience dictates that those that change temperature can be veeeerry interesting. You can also try dropping (non-oil based) lube in the tip of the condom for added sensation.

• If your partner argues that there’s no need to use one if you’re in a monogamous relationship, thank them for trusting you but explain that the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy would distract you and that would mean less fun for both of you.

• If your partner doesn’t want to interrupt the sexiness to put a condom on, tell them you can find a way to make that bit just as fun, like putting it on with your mouth.

Be clear about your reasons and emphasize that no condom means no sex. Most of the time they will accept your terms when faced with that possibility.

4. Suggest trying something new.

Be open to experimenting, and show your partner that protection doesn’t equal less pleasure. Try different brands and make a game out of testing them out, and include condoms in the fun so it doesn’t feel like an interruption.

Above all, remember that consenting to sex implies that you feel safe in the situation you’re in, and your partner trying to persuade you to do something you don’t want to–like not using a condom–is an indicator of an unsafe situation.

Remember, if your partner is not willing to listen, you can always say “no” and leave! You deserve to have your needs met every single time you get in bed with someone. Respect is a non-negotiable aspect of sex, and it’s important that you feel absolutely safe… and once you’re there, have fun!

*That would be us. We’re arguing it’s essential for a healthy sex life.

Header image edited by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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