What’s Up With Going Down? Exploring the ‘Taboo’ of Oral Sex

BJs are expected, but going down isn’t? Let’s talk about oral sex equality.

In Peggy Orenstein’s Girls and Sex, Orenstein interviewed high school and college-aged women about their feelings toward sex, their bodies, and dating. Although many of the girls interviewed boasted about being liberated feminists in charge of their bodies and sexualities, one stigma was continuously brought up. Heterosexual girls were totally cool with going down on their male partners, but when it came to receiving oral sex, the girls were much more sheepish.

The interviewees worried that their vaginas were unappealing. Many had never even seen so much as an accurate diagram of that part of their body. When Orenstein suggested taking a mirror down there, one girl replied: “I’m not going to do that.” It seems despite the current wave of sexual liberation, the stigma surrounding the vagina remains. And it’s totally unfair.

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According to a study by The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, only 18% of cis-identified women can orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Most of the women interviewed relied on clitoral stimulation, such as oral sex, in order to orgasm. But despite the enhanced experience oral sex seems to add, many heterosexual women are still reluctant to let a partner go down on them. And why is that?

If young women have no idea what to expect “down there” they certainly aren’t going to leave it up to a partner to find out. The girls in Orenstein’s book worried their vaginas looked abnormal, smelled, or were too slimy for a partner to enjoy. That self-consciousness led to a whole lot of unreciprocated blow jobs, and it isn’t just girls who perpetuate the stigma about vaginas. It’s boys too.

Sex education often skims over the sex organs (and sexual pleasure for that matter) of people with a vagina. Instead, boys get to ejaculate, while girls get their periods. The diagrams shown in most programs focus on the internal female reproductive organs—the uterus—instead of the vulva. It’s no wonder then that so few people can identify the clitoris, vagina, or labia.

“Is my vagina normal?” brings up nearly 80 million Google results. So, let’s talk about that. First of all, yes, your vagina is probably normal. Vulvas come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, and colors and odds are, yours is unique and perfectly fine. There is a vast difference between the terms “normal” and “healthy” and it is important to make that distinction. Given the variations of everyone’s bodies, it is hard to have a clear definition for normalcy when it comes to the vulva, vagina, and labia. However, knowing whether or not you’re healthy down there is another story. There are definitive things to look out for when it comes to a healthy and happy vagina.

Vulvas smell (and taste) the way they are supposed to because science, of course. That smell comes from hormones and protective secretions from the body.  As long as you’re free of bacterial infection, your vagina smells like a vagina, which is best put as astringent, and a tiny bit acidic given your particular pH level. Even if you are self-conscious of the smell or taste of your nether region, you should never wash it with a scented soap, or spray anything scented on it. That can cause major irritation, which could actually make the problem way worse. Instead, wash with scent-free soap and warm water, or pick up a pH balancing cleanser from the drug store.

The best way to get over the fear of the unknown is to make it known. That might mean taking a mirror down there the way Orenstein suggests, doing some self-exploration, or talking with a friend or partner about your worries. Odds are the smell, taste, and look of your vagina are perfectly normal. Embrace the uniqueness of your vulva, and if a partner can’t appreciate it, kindly ask them to take their tongue elsewhere.

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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