Dating With a Disability

Advice from an “inclusionista sexpert” on navigating dating and sex with a disability.

The dating world isn’t easily championed, especially if you have a disability like me. I have a spinal cord injury, and until recently, I was very single. Here’s some advice and tips I learned to overcome the challenges of dating with a disability.

1. Don’t apologize for being disabled.

As a society, we are fed ableist images and distorted messages that only “perfect” bodies are worthy of love and affection. That’s bullshit. Will some people be turned off by your body? Sure. Those aren’t the people you want to date, anyway. It’s why I advocate showing your true self on online dating profiles. I proudly post photos with my walker and canes. Do we look at taking photos with eyeglasses as something to hide? No! Embrace what you’re working with. “Embrace, Educate, Empower” is 3ELove’s message, a company whose logo is a wheelchair heart. In essence, learn to accept your body, find ways to educate others — in my case, teaching the world about sex for people of all abilities — and use your disability to empower yourself to live your damn life while speaking up for inclusion — because you matter!

2. Talking about sex with people who don’t know the nuances of our bodies can be tricky and pretty embarrassing.

Some people have conditions that involve leakage of body fluids or functions that have to be maintained by medical equipment. Don’t hide this from prospective dates. Being frank and honest about your condition is best for all parties concerned. Pro tip: research solutions to your specific situation before engaging in sexual activity with someone. Google is your friend, and chances are, you aren’t the only human being in the world with this issue —as is true for almost all sex-related “issues.” For instance, if you know you have bladder leakage, make sure to have some disposable bed pads, towels or sex furniture throws on hand that protect surfaces from body fluids. These can be easily tossed in the wash after sexy time.

3. Where there is a will, there is a way.

As people with disabilities, we know that one must think outside of the box to get things done. When it comes to sex, I am a big proponent of adaptable uses for sex toys for people with disabilities. People with all body types can find pleasure from sex toys, and they’re especially beneficial for those with disabilities. For example, a man who has trouble getting an erection can use a strap-on dildo for his partner to play with. A wand vibrator can be useful for a woman who wants to masturbate, but has difficulty reaching her vagina.

4. Community is also important, when it comes to finding someone to date or whatever social and sexual relationship you are seeking.

Some disabilities require personal assistance from someone else, in order to indulge in intimacy. Yep, sounds awkward as hell, but you want people who are supportive of you living your life as a human being. Also, peer support is a wonderful thing. Having friends with disabilities has been essential for me, because being surrounded by people who understand and identify with my dating and sex issues has been a relief. Human beings are not solitary creatures, and interdependence is how we function as a society.

There are some books and resources available if you want more concrete advice. These are guidelines, and may help address additional questions.

Dating — it’s not for the faint of heart, that is for sure. However, disability should not preclude you from trying or expect less for yourself. You have a right as a person to enjoy safe and consensual sensual pleasure with others, and it can be done.

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

Modern sex essentials

Related reading

Check out the pod

Plant-based, Science-backed Supplements

use code TABU for 20% off

---

This article may contain affiliate links. Meaning? If you click one and make a purchase, we earn a commission.  This helps us keep creating fire content so you can stay informed and empowered. 🔥 Thank you!