The Beginner’s Guide to Finding and Choosing The Right Sex Therapist

What is sex therapy? Is it for me? How do I find the right sex therapist?

Sometimes finding a good therapist can feel a little bit like trying to find the “right one” by swiping through Tinder. How do you decide who you’re going to trust with some of your most vulnerable experiences simply by reading an online bio? Don’t worry, I’m here to help you out. Here is some guidance for choosing the right sex therapist. Let’s start by talking about sex therapy.

What kinds of sex and sexuality issues can be addressed in therapy?

Sexual issues can be really specific and personal. Therapy might be helpful if any aspect of sex or sexuality is causing you ongoing emotional or physical pain (the latter may require some medical intervention as well).

Here are some reasons that people might seek sex therapy:

• Dissatisfaction with level of sexual desire

• No longer attracted to partner

• Desire to explore and develop sexual self

• Processing shame related to sex

• Dissatisfaction with sex/sex drive after pregnancy/children

• Mismatch in sexual desire between partners

• Questioning sexuality and/or gender identity

• Processing sexual assault, trauma, or unwanted sexual touch

• Chronic pain that inhibits sex

• Anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues that inhibit sex

• Inability to orgasm

• Erectile dysfunction

• Premature ejaculation

• Sex is physically painful

What are my options for sex therapy?

Though most licensed therapists have training in human sexuality, there are some different options to consider when choosing someone to help you work on sex-related issues.

Sex Therapists

Individuals who brand themselves as sex therapists will likely have more training in sex-related topics. If you’re looking for a reliable accreditation, The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) certifies therapists who have completed extensive training in sexuality. An AASECT certified sex therapist will have received extra education in areas of sexual dysfunction, sex and gender identity concerns, trauma, and partner intimacy issues. Compared to general therapists, they will have more experience with diagnosable sexual dysfunctions such as erectile disorder, female orgasmic disorder, genito-pelvic pain, early ejaculation, etc. They may be a good choice when you have a concern about sexual function.

Couples Therapists

A couples therapist should be able to address sexuality issues that are likely to come up between romantic partners such as a mismatch in sexual desire, unsatisfying sex between partners, difficulty balancing sex life with other relational/family responsibilities, etc. However, couples therapists may not have extensive training in specific sexual dysfunctions, individual sexual concerns, or sexual trauma. It’s a good idea to ask a potential couples therapist about their approach to sexual issues.

General Therapists

A general therapist who is competent in your area of concern and who you have a good connection with can be as helpful as a specialized sex therapist. Just make sure you look for someone who markets themselves as having experience in addressing sex and sexuality. Then ask them questions (examples below!) about how they would treat your concern.

A Note on Sex Surrogates

On occasion, sex therapists are confused with sex surrogates. Sex therapy never includes nudity, sex, or any type of sexual touching in the presence of a therapist. A sex surrogate is a trained professional who does engage in sensual and sexual touch with the client in addition to communication and relaxation coaching. Sex surrogates predominately work in tandem with a therapist who helps the client process the sex surrogate experience.

How do I know if a therapist is qualified to help me with sex and sexuality?

Ask Questions

Therapists are incredibly diverse in how they practice. Asking potential therapists questions can give you a sense of their experience, their approach to human sexuality, and their personality. A good therapist will be comfortable and happy to answer your questions.

First, ask yourself these questions:

• What are my goals in therapy? If therapy is successful, what concrete changes will I see in my life that will let me know therapy worked?

• What characteristics tend to make me feel safe and supported when I am being vulnerable? This will be very personal. Some therapists are warm and fuzzy. Some are very direct. Some will share their personal experiences with you while others remain strictly professional. Some will have identities that intersect with yours and, of course, others will not. Think about what personal characteristics will create an open space for you to share.

Once you’re ready to speak to a therapist, here are some questions for finding a good fit:

• What types of clients do you typically work with? and/or What types of problems do you typically treat?

• What is your approach to working with [my concern]?

• What do you think of as healthy sexuality?

• Would you be able to suggest any resources that would give me more info on [my concern]? A therapist who has experience and knowledge in a certain topic should be familiar with and able to suggest quality online and/or community resources.

• Finally, ask any other questions that are important for you to answer about a potential therapist.

In general, you are looking for a therapist who focuses on clients that you can relate to and describes an approach that makes sense to you. If they have a lot of experience addressing your specific concern, that’s great! However, if they have a lot of experience in the general area of your concern (for example: relationships, sexual function, or anxiety), that’s probably enough.

Finally, you want to make sure that you work with someone who shares your values around sexuality. In general, as long as sexuality is expressed in a way that is consensual and not causing unwanted pain, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it! Be wary of therapists who seem to have very specific ideas of what types of sex/sexuality are “right” or “healthy.”

Evaluate the Fit

Once you meet with a therapist in person, check in with how they made you feel. Uncomfortable emotions and challenges are part of therapy, but you should feel supported by your therapist. After your first session, ask yourself if you felt a connection with your therapist and whether you would get value out of going back. If the answer to either of those questions is no, move on and look for someone else.

Header image illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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