Considering a Threesome? These are the Conversations you Need to Have Before, During, and After

Threesomes are many people’s fantasy, but they aren’t all like the ones you see in porn. Here are the behind the scenes logistics should know that porn doesn’t show you to make sure your threesome runs smoothly.  

Statistic reports from Pornhub showed that there were 42 billion visits to Pornhub in 2019. There were 39 billion searches performed and of those searches, the term ‘threesome’ ranked 13th out of the 25 most searched for terms.

For couples, threesomes can be fun, stimulating, and adventurous. For others, threesomes can be intimidating, scary, and threatening. The worry of “does this mean I’m not good in bed when it is just the two of us?”,  “what if they like the third better?”, “what if I’m not as attractive or appealing after bringing in a third?” or “will they leave me for the third?” are all thoughts that might run through your mind. While the videos you might see on Pornhub excite you and your partner, they don’t always accurately portray the planning or emotions that go into having a threesome. What many don’t realize is that it is just as important to protect your emotional health, both as an individual and as a couple, as it is to sexually enjoy yourself.  

This article will help provide constructive discussion questions to have before, during, and after having a threesome to help guide you to having a positive and enjoyable experience. 

Before Threesome

Choosing a third participant:

• Preferred gender?

• Older, younger, or around the same age?

• Can the person look like you or your partner?

  • For some, if the third looks too similar to you or your partner, it can cause an element of perceived threat. For others, it can increase sexual chemistry, thereby enhancing the experience and fantasy. 

• Do you want someone who you have an emotional/intellectual connection to or someone who you find only attractive, keeping the emotions out? 

• Do you find someone you feel comfortable with and already know or do you find someone who you know little about? 

• How important is it that you both are attracted to this person?

• Do you want to have a threesome in the city you live in or in another city? Do you want to have it at your home or at a hotel?

• Are you only looking for a one-time threesome or having the third back multiple times? 

Questions for you, your partner, and your third. Discuss not only between you and your partner, but once a third is found, ask these same questions so that everyone is on the same page. 

• What are your limits? Can you vaginally or anally penetrate the third? What about blow jobs or cunnilingus? 

• What can your partner do with the third? Vaginal penetration? Anal penetration? Oral sex? 

• Will sex toys be included in the experience? If so, which ones and who will they be used on?

• What health and sanitary precautions do you want to take? Can your partner go down on the third and then kiss you or go down on you right after and vice versa? 

• Condoms, dental dams, birth control?

• Can you ejaculate in the third (anally or vaginally)? On the third’s body and/or face? In the third’s mouth? 

• Afterward, how long do you want the third to stay around for? Do you want to cuddle after and process together or do you want the third to leave and process your experience as a couple?

During Threesome

Checking-in with your partner and your third is essential in ensuring everyone is feeling comfortable, safe, and enjoying themselves. This also is an important step in protecting your emotional health and the emotional health of your relationship. It’s perfectly acceptable to pause and check-in as many times as you want.

Before bringing in the third, consider discussing a phrase or word that you and your partner can use to signal that you are uncomfortable and want the third to leave. If you are uncomfortable during the threesome, never feel like you have to continue even if your partner is enjoying themselves. The experience is meant to fulfill both of your fantasies, not just one. Questions to ask:

• Are you ok?

• Are you comfortable? 

• Are you enjoying yourself?

• Is there anything that you would not like to do?

• Is there anything you want to try?

After Threesome

Processing after having a threesome is crucial to your emotional health as a couple. This is the time to discuss your experiences, what you liked and didn’t like, and reaffirm your commitment to one another. Discussion points:

• Did you enjoy that experience?

• What did you like?

• What did you not like?

• What did you like that you didn’t expect to enjoy as much as you thought? 

• What emotion are you feeling right now?

• What moments did you find yourself uncomfortable?

• When did you find yourself most comfortable?

• What did you find most stimulating?

• Is there anything we should try just the two of us?

• Is there anything the third did that you want me to try with you? 

• Is there anything you need right now to remind you of my commitment to you?

Remember, it is ok to change your mind, it is ok to ask the third to leave, it is ok to enjoy the experience, it is ok to sexually explore, it is ok to own your sexuality, your fantasies, and who you are. Threesomes can be successful and enjoyable when you properly prepare for them. Next time you and your partner are considering a threesome, be sure to reference these possible conversation questions and enjoy!

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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