Ask Gigi: My Partner Won’t Go Down On Me

Is he a f*ckboi or nah?

Dear Auntie G,

I’m 27 years old and I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months now. I really like him, but I’m starting to wonder where this is going.

He only ever wants to hang out one or two times per week. If I text him or Snapchat him to hang out any other time, he doesn’t respond. Then, he’ll hit me up on his timetable like nothing ever happened.

On top of that, he doesn’t go down on me. He’s gone down there one or two times max in the whole time we’ve been seeing each other. Meanwhile, I go down on him all time. I really don’t know what to do. I’m tired of this and I don’t know how to tell him I need more from the relationship.

-Madison, 27, Female, San Diego

Hi Madison,

Thanks for writing in, boo. Let’s get real about this, sound good?

I know you want to find a solution for this issue, but the only answer is to dump this guy and go find someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re his Plan B. Instead of thinking about what you can do to get him to see that you need more from the relationship, think about why you’re in this relationship at all. I don’t even know if I’d call what you described in your letter as a relationship. It sounds more like a hookup, sidechick situation.

Oh, the prolific f*ckboy. What a conundrum. We always believe that he’s going to come around. We are entranced by his unavailability and believe in our heart of hearts that he’s going to come around and be the guy we want him to be.

I’m going to give it to you straight here. This guy isn’t into you. I mean, he is into you in that he sees this hookup situation as convenient, but he isn’t into committing to you.

What really irks me about this situation is the cunnilingus aspect. It’s completely unfair for him to expect you to give him blowjobs and meanwhile, he doesn’t return the favor. Obviously I don’t know if he’s asking for the blowjobs or you’re giving them to him on your own accord, but if it’s the former, he’s screwing up. If you’re giving him blowjobs enthusiastically and aren’t asking him to return the favor, that’s on both of you. You should be asking for what you want and he should be generous enough to give it you.

Women are already made to feel self-conscious about our bodies. From tampon advertisements to Brazilian waxing, every message we get is designed to exploit our insecurities about our vaginas and vulvae. I can’t tell you how many readers have told me they feel self-conscious about the way they smell and taste down there. Dating a guy who doesn’t want to go down there only confirms the suspicions you might already have.

More than that, this whole no-going-down-town thing demonstrates the lopsided power dynamics in the relationship. He ignores you until he wants to hang out. The minute he calls, you come running.

You need to dump this guy and take a look in the mirror, babe. Why are you letting someone treat you this way? Why do you think it’s OK to be treated like that? No judgement. I’m seriously asking. Pose these questions to yourself.

My guess would be that you don’t have a lot of self-love going on right now. You don’t deserve to sit around and wait for a guy to validate your worthiness, whether it be hanging out, having sex, or getting some oral sex.

I know you aren’t in a place yet to let this go. I get it. The heart is a tricky, finicky thing. It wants what it wants. When you’re ready to leave this dillhole and move on to greener, nicer, (and frankly, wetter) pastures, just know that you are a radiant being who deserves all the love and respect in the world.

Hope this helps!

Xoxo Auntie Gigi

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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