Who Should Pay on a Date?

“Splitting a check is not romantic, I don’t care what anyone says.”

Okay, here it goes. In these paragraphs I shall try to answer and/or simplify the dating question that has defined a generation. A question so much pondered that it divides families and friendships alike. This question contains undertones of feminism, classism, and traditionalism. It is the catalyst for failure and success, the antithesis of compatibility. The question: Who pays on a date?

First, a disclaimer. I am a cisgender white female dating almost exclusively straight cisgender men. My experiences are based on this dynamic and the social norms associated with it. As of recent, my personal life has transgressed slightly from straight dating; as such, I feel mildly comfortable in saying that the following advice can cross boundaries and apply to many dating experiences. But I am an expert in straight dating dynamics so I will not pretend that I know my advice will apply to non-straight, non-cis dating dynamics.

I’ll make this quick by stating that I have a pretty straight forward answer to this question. It doesn’t matter who pays. Now bear with me here because I know you’ve heard this before. Here is what I do think matters:

First and foremost, no matter how the evening ends up or turns out, a date is a treat — a way to step away from the possible monotony of our daily lives into an exciting new adventure full of possibility and unknown promise. I think it is so important for both parties to view it this way, and do their best to make the experience reflect that respectively. So in regards to payment, it doesn’t matter who does it, just that one person does. And yes of course I mean, someone should pay in that I don’t condone a dine and dash situation, but I also mean that one person should treat the other person. One person should pay for themselves and the other.

Splitting a check is not romantic, I don’t care what anyone says.

The conversation over paying is possibly the most difficult part about the whole evening, and money seems to be such an impolite topic to discuss, but believe me, it will feel good to take some initiative. If the topic of payment hasn’t come up yet over dinner, offer to pay and make sure the other person knows you are happy to treat them. More often than not you’ll get a return on this investment in a big way. People love to feel special, and if they are good people, which I hope they are, they will want to make you feel special in return.

Communication is of the utmost importance. Let the conversation flow naturally and don’t put too much pressure on the payment aspect. If someone offers to pay, let them. Take a treat and don’t feel bad about it. You deserve a treat! If you offer to pay and the other person wants to split, try and communicate your treat mentality. Moreover, if you offer to pay do not throw it passive aggressively back at the other person later that night. Paying for a date does not mean that your partner owes you anything in return.

In a world of instant gratification and and an increasing drop off in face-to-face communication, make it a priority to enjoy something simple. The niceties of someone picking up your dinner tab go back to the courtship rituals of yesteryear. If you’re like me, nostalgia is romantic (as long as I get to keep my gender equality, or what there is of it…), and this show of chivalry will go a long way in helping you view your partner as more than just another right swipe.

Take the treat!

Who do you think should pay on a first date? What about in non-hetero relationships? Sound off in the comments below!

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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