Killing me Softly, with His Questions

“Repeatedly asking me if I’ve cum makes me cum,” said no woman ever.

By Jazmine Duke

““Did you cum yet?”

“Was that it?”

“Did you cum?””

Here’s the situation: you’re enjoying a sexual experience with your partner and for whatever reason they’ve decided to question you on the state of your orgasm. It seems like your partner means well and they do. They are invested in your pleasure. They want to ensure you reach climax.

At face value, this is a lovely idea.

For women especially, it’s great to have a partner who’s invested in your orgasm and wants to learn what makes you tick. But, the repeated questioning puts a whole lot of pressure on the cumee to cum.

The Orgasm Gap

You’ve heard of a wage gap, but what about the orgasm gap? According to Psychology Today, the orgasm gap refers to the fact that men orgasm more than women in heterosexual sexual encounters. This is according to science, and researchers even found a gendered orgasm gap. For example, lesbian women have more orgasms than straight women — no surprise here — and women have more orgasms when they masturbate than when they are with their partners.

The discrepancy in orgasms is why it’s excellent to have a partner invested in your pleasure to help close the gap. But, at what point does questioning your ability to reach climax become more about validating your partner’s sexual prowess than about your pleasure?

Any partner invested in making your toes curl should be aware that reaching an orgasm is as much about mental — if not more so — than physical stimulation. Holding you accountable to explain why you did or didn’t reach orgasm doesn’t help the mood or increase the odds of making it happen.

How Do We Close the Orgasm Gap?

Heterosexual people with vaginas historically have a tougher time reaching orgasm than their male partners — so how the hell do we close the orgasm gap?

We communicate with our partners about what we enjoy. Duh.

Our partners aren’t mind readers. If we don’t speak up and tell them what we like and what we don’t like, they will never know. It doesn’t have to be a hardcore conversation. No need to sit your partner down in front of a whiteboard and give step-by-step instructions on stimulating the clitoris — unless you want to role play a student/teacher classroom scene, which could be super hot.

Before we can tell our partners what we like, we must know for ourselves.

My biggest piece of advice is to explore your body to find out what you enjoy. You are the master of your own orgasm. Not sure where to start? Check out these tips for a solo experience to learn more about your body & orgasm:

Understand that your mental state and physical stimulation are partners in this process. You need them both.

If you’re stressed about work or can’t stop thinking about your dog’s vet appointment, you aren’t helping yourself. Clear your mind, let yourself relax and think about something sexy. You can always watch porn or read erotica. Focusing on entertainment helps me clear my mind of the day’s clutter. It’s widespread knowledge that women mostly orgasm from clitoral stimulation. Different sources give different specific numbers, but all agree that playing with the clit is the way to go if you’re a woman with a vagina trying to reach orgasm.

What does clitoral stimulation mean when it comes to you and your orgasm? Well, it depends. Your preferences and your body are different than every other woman’s. We know statistically that the clitoris is the orgasm goldmine. Start your exploration there.

Outside of the context of a partner, figure out what your body enjoys solo.

• Try a vibrating toy

I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t enjoy a vibrator. If you’re learning your orgasm, that is a great place to start.

• Watch your breathing

Deep breaths, holding your breath, fast, short breaths — they all affect your body differently. Try different breathing techniques and see what feels relaxed and pleasurable for your body.

It’s Not All About the Mighty O

Orgasms are great. If you’ve had one, you know this. If you haven’t, you’ve probably heard just enough to make you green with envy. I get it; you want to experience the glory that you hear your friends and random TV hosts talk about. Before you psych yourself out about it, understand that not all women (or men, for that matter) orgasm at each sexual encounter — and that’s okay. In fact, some people never orgasm.

Don’t get stressed if you or your partner do not orgasm; sex can still feel divine, even if you aren’t reaching climax. Enjoy your sexual experiences without putting undue pressure on yourself or your partner to orgasm. Remember, a watched pot never boils.

Header image illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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