Painful Sex? 7 Signs You Might Have Vaginismus

If you experience pain during sex, pay attention

Vaginismus (pronounced vaj-uh-niz-muhs) is the result of the involuntary tightening of the vaginal walls, making penetration during intercourse difficult or even impossible. These individuals frequently experience vaginal discomfort during intercourse, such as pain and burning sensations. Here are seven signs you might have vaginismus:

1. You cringe at the idea of penetration.

As you start exploring and imagining the idea of having sex, the thought of sex makes you cringe without any local explanation. The world seems divided into two types of people: those who penetrate and those who are penetrated. As an owner of a vagina, the idea of being penetrated fills you with unexplainable doom, gloom, and dread.

2. You are afraid of pain.

You have sensory sensitivities and have always been very sensitive to any form of pain. You associate sex with pain, and believe that penetrative sex for the first time must be painful. You try to imagine enduring the pain, and you are afraid of what it’d do to you.

3. You tried but couldn’t get close to sex.

You did try to have sex, but you found yourself freaking out as the penis approached. You might find your body moving involuntarily in trying to create distance — pushing your partner away, your body squirming away, or unwittingly screaming and shouting. In particular, your legs would hold a lot of tension and tighten so much that it is impossible to pry them open.

4. You find it impossible to relax.

You might have had your partner tell you repeatedly to relax, but you are unable to do so. You might notice how your vaginal secretion would dry up, your arousal would stop abruptly, and your heart would be racing. Your Fight or Flight mode is being triggered, and you feel threatened.

5. You are told there is no “hole.”

Your partner is trying to insert their finger or penis, but reports that there is no “hole.” This is because your vaginal muscles have tightened up so much so there is no way to penetrate.

6. You experience pain “down there.”

Both of you might have the agreement to just push against the entrance of the vagina. Your partner shares that it feels like “hitting against a wall.” All you can feel is pain around your genitals. This just proves to you that there is pain, and you anticipate that the pain will only get worse.

7. You avoid sex.

Having tried and failed to have sex, you try to avoid the subject completely. You question your body, and whether you are attracted enough to your partner. You doubt yourself for being ready for sex, not wanting sex enough, and not trying hard enough.

Vaginismus is a highly treatable condition with 90% of cases due to psychological reasons which might include: anticipating intercourse as a painful act, performance anxiety related to intercourse, traumatic sexual experiences in the past, lack of knowledge regarding sex, and fear of getting pregnant. Do seek support in the form of a trained pelvic floor physical therapist, sex therapist, or sexologist. For more information, check out Pelvic Pain 101!

Related: Chronically Crazy: Life With Endometriosis

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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