How Do I Actually Talk to My Partner About Sex?

You know, without being awkward.

So you’ve decided you want to have sex. Excellent! This is a very exciting time, and probably also a bit scary (especially if this is your first time ever or with a new partner). Before you and your partner(s) have sex though, you need to sit down and have a discussion about it. Sure, in the movies people just start kissing and this magically leads to great sex, but in real life, it certainly does not work this way. If you and your partner(s) jump into sex without talking, there will likely be a lot of fumbling around and awkward moments during which neither person knows what the other is doing or should be doing. To avoid this, take the time to sit down and talk face to face with your partner(s) about your expectations, likes and dislikes, so that everyone can have movie-like, magical sex (though it may not be that way all the time, and that’s okay).

1. Find the Right Time

Right in the middle of a heated make out session is not the right time to be having this conversation. Emotions are running high and everyone is most likely to say “yes” to something without really thinking it through. Instead, pick a time when you and your partner(s) are calm, relaxed and open to discussion. This can be right after a night of cuddling and watching a movie together, over a nice lunch or dinner, or during a long car ride. Make sure no one is distracted and can focus only on this conversation, because it’s an important one.

2. Discuss Likes & Dislikes

Whether you’ve had sex or not before, most people can probably come up with a list of things they like or don’t like in bed. Maybe you have heard that kissing with your tongue is gross and you don’t want to try it (yet or ever). Not a problem, just let your partner(s) know. Do you think you’ll like it when your partner(s) touch your butt? Let them know! If you’re not sure what you want or don’t want I suggest the following activity: have you and your partner(s) make a list of every sex act you know of, regardless of if you or them ever want to try it. Make a copy of this list and add three columns: Yes, No and Maybe. You and your partner(s) then go through the list on your own and put a check mark next to each act under the column you feel pertains to you in that moment. (Yes, I want to try anal sex, but I only maybe want to play with a vibrator). After the lists are filled out, swap with your partner(s) to see what they checked off and from there have a discussion about it. This allows you to open up to your partner, while also checking out their own feelings toward certain sexual acts.

3. Do Not Be Judgmental

If you hear your partner(s) wants to try some crazy new sex act and your first reaction is to say “gross” or “no way,” take a second to make sure that by saying no to your partner you are not judging them in a negative way. It can be very hurtful when someone you love and trust finds something sexual you want to do abnormal or disgusting. Instead, approach your partner in a way that is calm and understanding. You can say, “While that may be something you’re interested in, right now I’m just not comfortable trying that. Ask me again in a few months and we can revisit it.” This way, you are not dismissing your partner(s)’s wants, but instead letting them know right now you aren’t ready to try that yet (and that’s okay).

4. Be Honest

This is the most important thing you can be when talking with your partner(s) about sex. Honesty is the only way everyone is going to get what they want and have fun and pleasurable sex. It can be difficult to open up to someone about your sexual desires, but the only way to get what you want is by asking. You may be nervous or afraid that your partner(s) may reject you when you suggest a certain sexual activity, but perhaps your partner(s) wants the same thing, but they have also been too afraid to tell you. Opening up about sex is not always easy, but if you’re honest, this will build more trust and strength within your relationship.

5. Don’t Forget Protection!

When discussing sex with your partner(s) you need to also talk about what type of birth control you’ll want to use as well. Remember, IUDs and The Implant are the most effective forms of birth control, but you can still contract STIs with them. Therefore, you and your partner(s) should always use condoms. If you want to have enjoyable, stress free sex, using protection is the way to do it.

Talking about what you want sexually with someone is not always easy, but it is important if you want to have a positive, healthy sex life. It might be difficult to start this conversation, but once you do, it will become more natural over time. Discussing sex with your partner builds trust and can be quite intimate. It’s a way to get to know each other and figure out how to best please each other. Sex can be very important in a relationship, and by talking about it, you are showing your partner(s) they are important to you as well.

---

Header image edited by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

Modern sex essentials

Related reading

Check out the pod

Plant-based, Science-backed Supplements

use code TABU for 20% off

---

This article may contain affiliate links. Meaning? If you click one and make a purchase, we earn a commission.  This helps us keep creating fire content so you can stay informed and empowered. 🔥 Thank you!