Hangovers, Harassment, and Heartbreak

Reflections on sexual assault and unrequited love.

Content Warning: This post contains descriptions of sexual assault.

It took me a long time to come to grips with the emotional trauma that ensued after my first college heartbreak. I couldn’t have known at the time what my brain was processing aside from the loss of someone I considered very important. Looking back, all the signs were there; I just didn’t know how to see them. It’s important for me to share my story now, not only because it is selfishly cathartic (and please note that sharing can absolutely be a part of your recovery as well), but also because I hope that my experience will help shed some light on your own and even, with luck, spare you from some of the pain I went through to get to the light at the end of the tunnel — forgive me, I have a talent for cliché, as we’ll get into later.

Sexual assault is an unfortunate reality in the college experiences of young people around the country. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 16 men will be sexually assaulted while in college — an especially heartbreaking statistic considering many of these people never come forward and if they’re like me, don’t even know to define their experience as sexual assault.

In the fall of 2009, I went away to college in a small, cozy, mountain town in Western Montana. For the most part, my freshmen year was fairly average. I had some lonely nights, I made some new friends, my roommate pawned my microwave for weed money… you know, the usual stuff. One night, I went to a party off campus with my girlfriends and that’s where I met him. As he tossed a ping pong ball into a red cup across a table from me, I mused at his perfectly straight white teeth and faded Phish concert t-shirt. He was so cool. The first time we had sex that very same night he picked me up in a drunken stupor, off of his living room floor and carried me to his bed. I was a crumpled rag doll in his arms and his strength felt all encompassing and protective. The next thing I remember is switching between, “I really like you” and “no, please not tonight” while he slowly removed my clothes and then entered me without a condom. He would push in slowly as if mildly concerned for my phrasing, but not quite enough to stop completely.

At the time, all I could be sure of was that I said no not because I didn’t desperately want him, but because I knew with every fiber of my being that he wouldn’t want me anymore in the morning. That if I gave him sex too soon, anything I had to offer him, my most valuable commodity would already be in his possession and he would have no need for me.

I am painfully aware that this is not in any way a new or unique narrative. I think this kept me, for a long time, from speaking about it — that fear of being just another girl who “cried rape.” But here I am and I will not let that fear define me anymore. I really hope if I only pass on one thing to you from this brief diatribe it is that.

My fear of being worthless post coitus was true for a while, and I felt very alone as I watched him kiss other girls at parties and stared at unanswered text messages day in and day out. Eventually, after a lot of pestering on my part and a series of clunky communications, we started dating. In retrospect, I think my worthlessness in his eyes remained. I was so thrilled and grateful that he had decided to be my boyfriend that I never considered that first night we spent together a mistake for the two years we spent together. I was so in love with him and even though I could see that his feelings weren’t as deep as mine, I held out hope. I was sure that one day he would see that he needed me the way I needed him and we would be together forever. Instead, he broke up with me in the second to last semester of my senior year. I sobbed grotesquely as he told me firmly that he had never loved me. I remember wanting to talk about it with anyone and everyone afterward. Not only did no one who want to listen, but I had put myself in such a codependent position I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I had created my relationship in a vacuum.

Eventually, life got better and I stopped calling my mom every hour to cry into the phone, but I never really dealt with the root of my heartbreak. It wasn’t until years later that I started coming to terms with the fact that our first sexual encounter had been non-consensual. I spent a long time on that road to discovery and I became well aware that our education around sex and sexual assault is extremely lacking. Since I went away to college, it seems that we have been making strides in order to rectify that flaw in education, but there is still a long way to go. I want to make sure that my readers know sexual assault comes in many different forms. It is not abnormal to want to sleep with someone the first night after meeting them and continue to develop feelings for them after.

If you say no to someone because you like them and you want to know them better before sleeping with them, it does not make you prude, nor should it mean the end of your communication with said individual.

Let’s start building a new culture around sex. Let’s start getting just as excited about the “no thank you’s” as we do about the “yes pleases.” An open communication is a sexy communication and it should foster growth in relationships instead of fear of connection. You should know that it is possible to receive an unwanted sexual encounter from people that you’ve previously had consensual sex with or would consider sex with in a different context. Just because you are attracted to or even in love with your abuser does not mean that you inherently consent. Please be an advocate for your friends and yourselves. Be proud of yourself for seeking resources and support as you have if you are currently reading this, and please continue to promote those behaviors. I am here for you. We will catch you. You are a part of a community and you are loved.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can seek help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800–656-HOPE (4673). For more resources on sexual assault, visit RAINN, End Rape on Campus, Know Your IX, and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

Header image illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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