Ask Gigi: My Clit is Too Sensitive

What to do when clitoral stimulation is v uncomfortable.

Dear Auntie G,

I’m all about women being about the clit life. It’s great, but I have an issue. Whenever my boyfriend rubs my clit, it doesn’t feel good to me. It’s overwhelming! Even when he goes down on me, my clit is just too sensitive. I want to enjoy myself and I want to have more orgasms, but I’m not sure what to do. Everything I read says that clit is life and I have got a guy who is all about it, but sometimes I can’t get off! Am I weird? I don’t know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

-M, female, 22

Hey girl!

First of all, thank you for bringing such an important topic to light. All things clitoris-related are important. Do not stress. You are not weird.

It’s easy to fall into the line of thinking that because your body doesn’t do something that you think it “should” or enjoy something you think it “should,” it can be discouraging. After all, the clitoris has long been ignored and deserves its day in the sun. What a bummer to find that it’s ultra-sensitive. I totally get it.

The thing is, all bodies are different and enjoy different things. What may work for one person, won’t always work for someone else. This can even happen with clitoral stimulation. While all orgasms are connected to the clit, not every clit is the same.

Direct stimulation, that is full-on attention to the clitoris, is too much for some vulva/vagina owners. That’s OK. It happens. Since your clit is so sensitive to physical touch, try a few techniques to take away some of that intense stimuli.

What you need is indirect clit stim. It may sound simple, but it’s actually a little more complicated than you might think. That’s why I’m here to explain, bb.

The clitoris is a lot larger than you might realize. It’s what artist Sophia Wallace called an iceberg, not a button. Meaning, there is a much to the clit that is below the surface. The exposed part of the clit (the glans) is the bitty nubbin on top.

Illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Touching it might be too much for you, so instead focus on either side of the clitoris. That way you can stimulate the wings on either side, beneath the surface of the labia minora. It’s also good to be mindful of the clitoral hood, which covers the highly sensitive glans. If your boyfriend is directly touching the clit under the hood, it might be adding to the stimulation. If you approach the clit from the top (at the tippy top of the labia), you might like that better.

There are also a BUNCH of techniques you can try! You don’t need to limit yourself. In fact, you may be learning more about your clitoris than most vulva/vagina owners due to this revelation.

Illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Grounding:

As opposed to light, rhythmic, or focused strokes over the clit, have your partner firmly press against the clitoris with his finger or palm. You can also do this yourself, of course.

The deeper, more forceful feeling gives your clitoris steady all-over attention as opposed to pinpoint stimulation (which is overwhelming to the point of causing discomfort).

Orbiting:

Have your partner orbit your clitoris with his fingers, tongue or a toy. Orbiting is drawing circles around the clitoris, paying attention to the wings and avoiding the glans.

This will give you plenty of the tingling and building sensation to orgasm, without it being too acute. Have him keep the pace and slowly build to orgasm.

Layering:

Who says the clit is the only thing that can get in on the action? Layering is a fabulous trick for anyone who finds their clit overly sensitive. I don’t even like the term “overly sensitive.” I want to call it “differently sensitive” instead. Let’s start a revolution.

Anyway, back to layering. Use the labia majora and/or minora to gently cover the clit. You literally layer the labia lips over the clitoris. This creates a barrier between a toy/fingers/tongue and the clitoris itself. For someone with a differently-sensitive clit, this is a game-changer.

I hope this helps! Good luck, bb. I am sending good orgasmic vibes your way.

Xoxo Auntie G

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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