Training the Sex Organ Between Your Ears

Sex-positive thinking for people with vulvas.

Perhaps you’ve heard that orgasm depends as much on what’s going on in your head as between your legs. It’s true that reveling in sexual sensations requires rejecting pleasure-draining thoughts that our sex-negative culture instills.

Amy Schumer pinpointed two such mind-­sets when she told Glamour Magazine:

“Do what you feel you want to do while also considering how you’ll feel the next day. Don’t not have an orgasm… Make sure he knows that you’re entitled to an orgasm… I’ll be like, “Oh my God, have you met my clit?””

Let’s break these attitudes down, and help you embrace them in your own life.

Equally Entitled to Orgasm

Feeling entitled to orgasm means believing it’s essential a partner considers your orgasm as important as theirs. In heterosexual sex, it means that you consider — and expect your penis-owning partner to consider — your sexual stimulation equal to theirs. While this sounds like basic sexual courtesy, there’s good evidence that it’s not occurring during heterosexual sex. People with vulvas are having far fewer orgasms than those with penises because our culture considers penis-in-vagina thrusting to be the central sex act. But here’s the rub (pun intended): 95% of people with vulvas don’t orgasm from thrusting alone, and instead need clitoral stimulation, by itself or paired with penetration. Yet, our culture considers clitoral stimulation a prelude to the main act (“foreplay”) or a superfluous add-on (aka, “extra clitoral stimulation”). This attitude is so deeply entrenched in our culture that it often subconsciously affects even those who consciously reject it. Let’s see if this is true for you.

Have you ever had a sexual encounter with a person with a penis where they orgasmed but you didn’t? If you’re like most vulva-owners, you’ll be able to recall several such incidents. Replay one. Recall how you felt. Now reverse the scenario, even in your imagination, and examine your reaction. If you felt more negative about the first scenario, you’re at least somewhat buying into the insidious cultural message about penis-owner’s orgasms reigning supreme.

So what’s the solution? Like Amy said, it means feeling entitled to pleasure. Tell yourself, “I deserve pleasure!” or something that gives this same message. Think this thought several times a day. Abundant research shows self-talk changes attitudes.

Research shows the attitude of feeling entitled to pleasure relates to having more orgasms, higher self-­esteem, and even being happier overall! Research also finds that feeling entitled to pleasure helps one reject the sexual double standard, the second sex-negative attitude we’ll attack.

Double Versus Equal Standards

Recall Amy advising to “Do what you feel you want to do while also considering how you’ll feel the next day.” While great advice, it’s tricky for people with vulvas to separate how they “feel the next day” from the slut shaming that’s ingrained in our culture. It’s another instance when you can reject an idea yet still have it mess with you personally. You can think that the sexual double standard is sexist crap yet still have messages like “Don’t be a slut” subconsciously interfere with your enjoyment of sex, especially casual sex.

If you find yourself feeling ashamed or guilty after casual sex, you’ll need to detangle these feelings from the sexual double standard. This detangling may involve trial and error. As one of my students said,

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with casual sex, but I feel bad after anyway. It took me a long time to figure out casual sex isn’t for me.”

Conversely, another said,

“I used to feel guilty about casual sex, because of stuff I’d learned about good girls and such. But the more casual sex I had, the less guilty I felt. It was a process I had to go through.”

Part of this student’s process was giving herself the approval that society had denied her. She stopped stop slut shaming others — and herself.

You can do this too. Talk to yourself, saying “I approve of my sexuality!” or something along these lines that resonates for you. Research shows the more approving you feel of your own sexuality, the more likely you’ll orgasm. Sex-positive thinking leads to better sex.

We just attacked two clear sex-negative attitudes, but others are more indirect (e.g., uncomfortable silence that fell over the room when as sex scene came on during family TV viewing). You can still counteract this with global, sex­positive messages (e.g., “Sex is a wonderful part of life I deserve to enjoy!”).

Practicing sex­-positive thinking when you aren’t having sex will enhance your enjoyment when you are having sex! Changing what you think inside your head will make what’s happening between your legs more fun!

Note: Above adopted and excerpted from Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — And How to Get It by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., and was originally published in the Sustain Natural Blog.

Header image edited by Marcy Gooberman

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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