Are You Good at Apologizing? Here’s How You Could Be Better

How to say sorry to the people you care about.

I am OK at apologizing. There have been many times when I did not communicate as clearly as someone with a degree in communication should be able to. When I was little, my mother used to remind me to say “why” I was sorry when apologizing. It was a scaffolding to ensure I was acknowledging that I regretted my actions.  I never want to hurt anyone with my actions or words, but when I do, a quality apology is necessary.

I need to apologize, but I don’t know what to say.

No two apologies are the same. There is not a cookie-cutter response that will always be successful. When you find yourself in a situation where you need to apologize, take time to reflect on how the other person feels. 

Adam Maurer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor, recommends that good apologies begin with empathy.  

“It is really common for someone who has hurt someone they care about to try and circumvent hearing how their actions or words affected another person,” Maurer said. 

He recommends that folks review the “platinum rule” when preparing to apologize. You might be familiar with the golden rule; the idea is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Instead, the platinum rule says that you should treat others the way they want to be treated. It is important to acknowledge that all folks have different thoughts, feelings, and experiences in life that they bring to every conversation. 

It can be hard to apologize for the hurt that you have caused. Two good steps in a positive direction are acknowledging what exactly you are apologizing for and doing so in a manner that the specific person would prefer. 

When is the best time to apologize? 

Unfortunately, there is not a perfect time to apologize. If you wait for the perfect time to appear, you may be waiting so long that the conversation becomes uncomfortable. 

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Maurer recommends that folks apologize quickly and often. Frequent apologies leave less time for negative narratives to develop in each other’s heads. 

“There really is never a good time. When things are good, many people don’t want to rock the boat, and when people are fighting they often lack access to the best of their communication skills,” he said. 

With your partner, it may be appropriate to set up a weekly meeting to discuss your relationship. It provides time for healing and communication, Maurer said. 

“Do it when y’all are at your best, surround it with something you like, such as brunch,” he said. 

“There really is never a good time. When things are good, many people don’t want to rock the boat, and when people are fighting they often lack access to the best of their communication skills.”

— Adam Maurer

Maybe if I just ignore the problem, it will go away. 

Stop right there. Although ignoring the problem might work out one in a million times, it does not solve any problems. Many folks have a lot of fear around confrontation. The fear of the unknown is real. You do not know how this person will respond to your apology. 

“People are not perfect. Conflict is a part of loving someone. So, get good at it or hunker down for the chaos avoiding it will eventually bring,” Maurer said. 

Maurer noted that conflict can make relationships stronger and is not inherently bad. Focusing on the positive aspects of conflict has made confronting difficult situations easier for me. 

Is there an easier way to give better apologies?

In short, no. The internal processing required for quality apologies is not always going to be easy. If we do not take the time to work through our fears that pertain to conflict, they will not get any easier. 

If online quizzes are your thing, you can check out Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas’ 5 apology languages. You might be familiar with Chapman’s 5 Love Languages that have become very popular among couples. Chapman and Thomas outline the apology languages as, expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. The languages focus on how you want someone to phrase their apology. 

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It is important to note that the apology and love languages can be very focused on heterosexual, cisgender couples. Additionally, the apology languages will not help you get past your fears of confrontation, but they might give you some tools to communicate about apologies. 

Why should I put more effort into my apologies?

When I look back at the times when I received genuine, direct, and intentional apologies, I understand why mastering them is so important. Quality apologies help relationships grow, help folks move on, and help you grow. Creating your chosen community will undoubtedly require apologies along the way. No one is perfect at conflict, but you can develop better conflict management skills.

Header image illustrated by Leonor Carvalho

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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