How to NOT Ghost Someone When You’re No Longer Feelin’ It

Casper is the only friendly ghost. Here are kind and compassionate ways of letting someone down when you are no longer interested.

 Ghosting. It happens to the best of us. In fact, a recent survey from PlentyOfFish (POF) reviewed the dating habits of millennials and found that almost 80 percent of singles reported being dumped by the person they’re dating suddenly going AWOL.

Unfortunately, I can relate. During sophomore year of college, I was emotionally and romantically attached to someone who I wasn’t in an exclusive relationship with, but was hooking up with long enough to the point I never would’ve guessed I’d get ghosted by him. We made plans to meet during fall break and we didn’t live in the same area at the time, so naturally, I texted him with excitement, eager to see him again. Everything seemed completely fine until I asked about what time he was coming to pick me up from my house. 

Then boom. Nothing. No response for hours. I wasn’t alarmed by this at first because people are busy and I don’t expect to always get a response within seconds, minutes, or even hours of texting someone first. However, the sudden silence didn’t feel great.

Flash forward to the following day when we were supposed to hang out…still no response. At that point, I had double texted him, and still no response. After a little more than 48 hours had passed, deep down I knew that I was being ghosted. Not only was it hard to get through my head that he and I weren’t on the same page, but it was humiliating going back to campus after fall break. My friends greeted me asking how my date was, to which I replied, “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Embarrassing, huh? 

Though I laugh about it now, being ghosted sucked, and that’s not the kind of pain I wish on anyone. Sadly, after chatting with a dating and relationships editor for a prominent publication, I realized just how common ghosting is.

The Ghosting Trend

Taylor Mead, Senior Editor of Swoon at Odyssey, sees countless pitches and article submissions about ghosting, further demonstrating the prevalence of this (lack of) communication trend.

“It’s really unfortunate that ghosting has become so common. If you talk to any single person, particularly any single woman, who is actively dating, you’re likely to hear some version of a relationship ghost story. It’s practically unavoidable and while I hope this trend gets buried, I don’t think it’ll die any time soon,” Mead explains. “The ugly truth about ghosting is that, no matter how complicated the whole story may be, the reason it happened can always be simplified to: they didn’t feel a connection or want to continue the relationship.”

“When dating, people so often don’t feel as though they ‘owe you’ anything unless you’re in an ‘official’ relationship. This is something I find really upsetting about today’s dating culture because, whether you’re in a relationship or not, everyone (with some exceptions) deserves common courtesy and that includes a simple goodbye or explanation.” She continues, “Between this toxic ‘I didn’t owe them’ mentality and the fact that dating has become more accessible via dating apps and social media, it’s easier for people who don’t feel a connection to just forget, move on, and continue swiping or DMing without caring about the other person’s feelings or having to confront them.”

The Emotional Toll of Ghosting

So, why can getting ghosted by someone you’ve never ‘officially’ dated hurt as much or even more than getting dumped by someone you’ve been committed to for years?

Mead explained that there is a whirlwind of emotions that come with being ghosted. People experience denial, sadness, anger, and confusion. People may hold out hope that the person they have feelings for will eventually come back or make up excuses for their inconsistent communication. 

This is different than when there’s a legitimate breakup because at least the person knows for a fact that the relationship is over. It’s easier to heal when there is a clear past, whereas, with ghosting, the lines between what is past and what is present are blurred when the person being ghosted isn’t sure what’s going on at all. 

How You Can Do Better Than Ghosting Someone

Here are tips on how to be honest about unreciprocated feelings without being insensitive:

• Be specific so that the other person can move on. “Make sure you say everything you need to in order to close the chapter so everyone involved can move on. Because it’s always kind to let someone know whether or not you’d like to continue seeing them, regardless of how long you’ve dated,” Mead points out. 

• Consider your contact method of choice based on the status of the relationship. “If it’s a very new or casual relationship and you typically only chat via text, texting them to tell them you’re not feeling it should suffice. If you mostly talk on the phone, a call would likely be appreciated. As far as in-person breakups go, if things are more serious or you are in an exclusive relationship, this should be your only option. Please do not break up with someone you’re dating seriously or exclusively any other way,” Mead describes.

• Type out a draft in the Notes section of your phone first. “Type out what you’d like to say to the person, then go back and fine-tune it, but NEVER go with the first draft. Your final draft, whether you send it via text or plan to say it in person, should be succinct and only use clear, strong language — remove any fluff that may be vague or confusing,” Mead adds.

When Ghosting Is a Legitimate Option

Is ghosting ever a valid option?

“While I’m a huge believer in being honest and just telling it like it is, there are definitely scenarios in which ghosting is not only okay, but necessary. Generally speaking, if you were seriously disrespected or your safety/mental health are at risk, ghost them ASAP,” Mead stresses.

“If you’ve told them you want to end it but they don’t respect your wishes and continue to contact or harass you in any way, disappear without a trace (block them everywhere). At a certain point, you have to put yourself first because if you don’t, who will? Common courtesy should absolutely be tossed out the window the second they are not treating you with the same respect in return.”

Nevertheless, Mead tells tabú that generally speaking, “The best thing to do is just say something and not ghost.”

What to Say Instead of Ghosting

Here are specific text templates to send someone instead of ghosting:

“Honestly, the connection isn’t really there for me. I think we’d both be better if we dated other people. Best of luck.”

“I don’t think we’re as compatible as I originally thought. It was nice getting to know you, but I think it’s best if we went our separate ways.”

“Thanks for going out with me recently. I thought a lot about it and just don’t think we’re a good match. It’s nothing personal, but thought I should let you know instead of leaving you hanging.”

“I have a number of things that have come up in my life that need attention. I’m not in the best headspace and I can’t put the time and energy into this that would be fair to you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s been great getting to know you, but I’m picking up more of a platonic vibe between us. Is that okay if we’re just friends?”

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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