8 Things We Learned from The Sex Talk You Never Had

Here’s some things you need to know.

By Nicole Charky and Do The Good Stuff

This goes out to anyone (you!) who missed “the talk.” It’s a shout out to the ones still waiting for the birds and the bees basics.

Turns out a lot of us didn’t get that crucial information—so now we’re adults with sex lives, living without the tools we need. That’s when the Sex Talk You Never Had comes in.

Do The Good Stuff, a health and wellness brand committed to helping you tap into your health on your own terms, hosted the recent talk in collaboration with Savoir Collab, sponsored by Dosist. The results? The most REAL sex talk, with REAL experts and REAL people asking questions about doing it.

Sex is about more than penetration. It’s more than physical connection. It starts with your mind—the pleasure center—then it’s about the body. So sit back, let’s talk about sex. You’re driving. And you’re most definitely in charge.

1. Your orgasm is your responsibility.

Don’t wait for your partner to magically read your mind—because that’s not going to happen, Dr. Shannon Chavez says.

Chavez is a Los Angeles-based sex therapist. She works with both couples and individuals on how to access pleasure and break down the barriers to orgasm. Those barriers can originate in your mind, and often manifest in the bedroom. That’s why communication is so important.

“Be responsive to things that turn you on,” she says. “Don’t wait for a partner. The truth is you’re in charge of turning you on.”

Say what you need to say so you can both reach orgasm during sex (although pleasure, rather than an orgasm, should be your main goal). That requires communication, asking for what you need and really digging into new experiences that might make you feel vulnerable, but will ultimately allow you to orgasm without any mental block. You can get out of your head and feel good about enjoying it all: your partner and your orgasm.

2. Relaxation is the gateway to pleasure.

You’re in your mind all day. To enjoy sex and be present, you have to break free from that, says Kat Mills, a Los Angeles-based yogini, artist and filmmaker.

When it comes to mindfulness and reaching relaxation before sex: start simple. If you’re on the bus or train, working all day, making big decisions, constantly on your phone, then take a little time to process and listen to your body before you get busy. Close your eyes. Feel the sensations of your body. Ask this: what is your body saying to you?

“We’re allowing for the unknown,” Mills says. By being open, aware and mindful, this can which translate to less expectations for a partner and allows us to be sensitive and kind toward ourselves.

Often, people like to meditate before sex, sometimes even with their partner. She says it helps some couples mentally find their center before sex.

“Talk about your experiences, allow it to grow in you and that changes others,” Mills adds.

3. Any pain or discomfort during sex is worth talking to your doctor about immediately.

Sex shouldn’t hurt. Period. If it does, then it’s an important time to talk to a doctor, says Dr. Lisa Valle, D.O. Valle’s Los Angeles-area practice focuses on how to address pain during sex and make correct adjustments.

Painful sex could possibly indicate other health signs. And it’s important to communicate if you feel like something is wrong or hurts during intercourse, especially if you experiences any changes in discharge, energy level, heavy periods, pain while you pee or burning sensation.

4. There are two libido killers: Not asking for what you want and not taking time for yourself.

The relationship between your body, mind and spirit can greatly impact your libido.

“Sex can be a positive force in our lives, benefits all of our well-being,” Chavez says, explaining that studies have found that orgasms can actually help you live longer. That’s why it’s so important to normalize any sex concerns, she says.

And, it’s also vital to remember that sexual well-being can change. Ask yourself: what’s going on in my life? Am I happy at my job? Am I eating food? Exercising? Doing things that make me happy? Do you have too many obligations?

5. You should get ready for sex.

Getting ready for sex is helpful, Chavez says. It helps you be intentional. It helps you be focused. It should be about you, what you like and how you like to think about sex before you see your partner.

Chavez has a few questions to get your wheels spinning. And because sex is personal, it’s up to you to decide how you explore your body (the one you’re currently living in) and what you do to mentally or physically prepare for pleasure.

How do you prepare for sex? How do you groom? Do you take a shower? Do you wash your hair or do your makeup? Do you wear clothes that make you feel good?

6. Explore that body and get creative with your partner.

Don’t forget the mind-body connection. It might mean talking to your partner about approaching sex differently, and often, getting back to the basics.

“Whatever you need to feel embodied is key,” Chavez says.

Movement, including stretching before sex, incorporating pilates or yoga, can help you get out of your head and into your body.

Engaging the senses, breathing slowly and deeply, is a key to arousal. Sound, not necessarily dirty talk, but the ‘ooohhs’ and ‘aaahhs’ can also increase connection.

Have you ever masturbated with your partner watching? Have you ever watched your partner masturbate? Mutual masturbation can also be a creative approach to newness, allowing you and your partner to engage in the senses.

7. Cannabis can enhance smell and touch during sex.

That bonding feeling you get with your partner can be heightened even more with THC. THC can heighten dopamine levels, releasing oxytocin-that really nice warm and fuzzy feeling you get after sex.

There are even sexual wellness cannabis pens that can help you connect with your senses and feel more aroused, less in your head, and passionate.

8. Get real. Tell your partner how to make you orgasm.

Say what you want. Say what you need. Ask all the questions. How often do you like to have sex? Where? When? What does it look like, feel like or smell like?

Sometimes partners come to bed with really bad ideas about female sexuality, says author Emma Koenig. These toxic ideas about sex need to be discussed, and in her book “Moan: Essays on Female Orgasm,” she shares stories from women about their experiences with orgasming and telling partners ‘this is how you make me come.’

“We can’t even tell people they have things in their teeth,” Koenig says. That’s why it’s important to keep having the conversation and have fun with it.

“It’s like a muscle you have to keep working at with difficult conversations,” Koenig says. “There’s something inherently therapeutic about asking yourself these questions.”

Header image illustrated by Marcy Gooberman

Keep this conversation going in “The Sex Talk You Never Had” online course starting September 10th (2018)! tabú will be sharing the resources you’ve come to know and love throughout the course and joining in on the group conversation – use the code TABU when you sign up to get our discounted price of $10. Sign up is no longer available.

Must be looooooove on the braaaaain 🧠. Or was that s£x? 👀🤭 Our brains are our largest s£x organs and sometimes they get a little sad, hyperactive, anxious, or overwhelmed. You won’t always be in the mood for s£x and that’s okay! Keep communication with your partner open and ongoing, check in with yourself and your mental health, and lean on the support of a trusted therapist or doctor if you need some extra guidance. 🫶🏽 Anything you would add?

I mean 😏

It is not wrong nor should it feel shameful to ✨seek pleasure.✨ I think those of us who grew up more religious were taught that you should always be in service of others and giving of yourself rather than concerned with our own needs or passions. While it is wonderful to be generous with giving (and can in fact be a source of pleasure), it should be equally encouraged to pursue your own pleasure — it whatever form it may take! It may feel self-indulgent, but why is that a bad thing? Pleasure boosts our mental health. It helps us cope with a difficult world, with anxiety, depression, and stress. It makes us feel good! It gives us something to look forward to. Pleasure helps us connect with others and with ourselves. Pleasure (as long as it is not at the expense of someone else’s safety or well-being) should be a priority, for our joy and for our health. It really is so important! Where do you find pleasure? I personally love a good massage… 💆🏽‍♀️

It’s time for a talk, friend. Let’s be clear, you nor your partner ever has to do *anything* you’re not comfortable with. That said, if it’s something you enjoy and that’s pleasurable to you, it’s okay to ask your partner for it! They can say no, but if they invalidate your pleasure, much less expect you to do something they won’t do?? The ball is then in your court to decide if this is the partner for you. You deserve someone who cares about and prioritizes your pleasure. Who is thrilled to be acquainted with your body, all of it! S-x can be vulnerable to talk about, but when you do…it’s so much better. 👅 included. Ask your partner what their hesitations are and have a *conversation.* Maybe they’re nervous, intimidated, or struggling with shame. Maybe they’re down to try other things you would enjoy and build up to it. The point is, it shouldn’t just be automatically dismissed. You can decide what’s right for you and what makes you feel aroused, validated, and appreciated. Whatever you do, don’t internalize their rejection. Your body is beautiful, desirable, and definitely worthy of pleasure. 😋🥰

A UK study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found that only 46% of participants correctly identified that a female has 3 holes in the external genitalia. 😬 Not great. We’re taught so desperately little about our bodies and so discouraged from exploring them that we don’t even know what we’ve got going on down there! Understanding your own anatomy (and getting educated on your partner’s anatomy) can boost pleasure 1000x!! So take a mirror, use your hands, and get comfy exploring! 🪞🕵🏽‍♀️ And if you really want to get informed (and inspired 😉), head to our website for our basics on pleasure and anatomy. What do you think? Could YOU correctly label a diagram of what lies beneath?

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