Porn
Created with Bellesa
Let's Talk About Porn
Would you watch Talladega Nights or Cars to learn how to drive? We sure hope not (especially Cars because, well, those cars drive themselves)! We teamed up with Bellesa, the premier destination for all things female sexuality, to help you navigate the world of erotic cinema that is porn.
Porn sex ≠ Real life sex
For starters, it’s extremely important that the difference between fantasy and reality is well-understood (like, really well-understood).
Kind of like how romantic comedies are made for entertainment…well, so too is porn. So while it’s totally cool (and healthy!) to enjoy porn…we should watch it with a grain of salt (as we do “Love Actually” or “The Notebook”). We can’t allow the performance of paid actors to skew our expectations of reality!
If you want to learn more about sex education, you’re already in the right place. tabú answers the questions you’re too afraid to ask and brings you content you can trust. Taking control of your sexual health is empowering af.
So, let’s cover some of the differences between the sex you see depicted in porn and the sex you’re likely to be having (specifically and especially for women and people with vulvas in cisgender heterosexual dynamics).
| Sex In Porn | IRL Sex |
|---|---|
| Arousal Time Partner walks through the door, whips their dick out, says one word and their partner is wet af ready to go. |
Arousal Time Some people experience spontaneous desire, while others more regularly experience responsive desire, requiring more build-up or sexual stimuli. |
| Orgasms Orgasms happen every time people are having sex, typically at the same time for all involved partners. |
Orgasms A study of 52,588 adults in the US found that self-reported orgasm frequency was experienced as follows: heterosexual men (95%), gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%). |
| Making Noise Lots of moaning and loud expressions of passion from women. |
Making Noise Some people are loud during sex, while others are not (of course, explicit enthusiasm is important for consent). |
| Penetration Type Vaginal penetration (from a penis) is all that’s required for pleasure and orgasm. |
Penetration Type ~18% of cis women orgasm from penile intercourse alone. Most require (or prefer) clitoral stimulation. |
| Penis Size Typically 7+″ |
Penis Size Average erect penis is 5-6″ |
| Facials Gimme gimme – all women love getting cumshots to the face. |
Facials Some people enjoy cumshots to the face. Definitely ask first (as with any sexual act). |
| Pubic Hair & Bodies All humans are shiny, slippery, hairless sculptures. |
Pubic Hair & Bodies Some people shave, some don’t. People come in all shapes, sizes, colors, genital variations, and abilities. |
Also, um, where are the condoms, awkward fumbles, conversations, and lube?!
Watching porn
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Masturbation is dang healthy.
While porn is not a replacement for actual sex (or sex ed), watching porn often facilitates masturbation…which is a major plus. Masturbating is great for mental health – allowing for better sleeps and reduced stress. Also, a healthy masturbation schedule actually makes us better sex partners! Of course, everything in moderation. If you find that you can’t stop watching porn and it’s preventing you from living your daily life, it might be time to take a lil’ break.Real talk: It’s sometimes better than the real thing.
…sometimes! Some nights, we just can’t bring ourselves to get off the couch, let alone get dressed and go somewhere. The struggle is real. By watching porn, we can reap the benefits of experiencing pleasure and excitement without having to lift a finger (okay, well maybe you’ll lift a few fingers…). Solo masturbation also allows us to selfishly focus on ourselves and not worry about getting a second human off. Feeling horny and really want to text your ex? Turn on some porn and enjoy your damn self!Porn can srsly benefit your relationship.
The best sex happens when both partners are on the same page. Watching porn with your boo creates a safe space for each partner to ask for what they want. Watching porn with your partner can open both of your minds to new sexual possibilities and unexplored kinks.
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Ethical porn, sometimes called “feminist porn”, is:
Porn in which all parties are enthusiastically consenting
Porn for which performers are appropriately paid and credited for their work
Porn for which performers are tested for STIs regularly and before shooting
Porn through which performers are encouraged to communicate with their partner, letting them know about things they like/don’t like
Porn shot on a set that is comfortable: both emotionally (can yell “pause” if necessary), as well as physically (water, food, lube, AC, etc)
Porn that is shot through transparent studios
Porn that is bought directly from the performer
It’s not the content in the scenes, but rather the production behind them, that determines if porn is ethical. Do your homework when it comes to researching where your porn is coming from and who is producing it!
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Here are some awesome female-centric websites to watch porn that minimize the gap between traditional porn sex and real world sex (and do not focus exclusively on the male gaze). And yes, guys and people of any gender can definitely enjoy these sites, too (duh).
Bellesa — Porn for women. Bellesa features female-friendly HD porn videos and erotic stories. Hot guys. Storylines. Natural bodies. Free erotic stories. Bellesa Plus offers unlimited premium 4K video, sex ed and more.
Crash Pad Series — Queer Adult Cinema. Based on the award-winning feminist queer porn film The Crash Pad.
Dipsea — Dipsea isn’t quite porn; it’s less about visuals (though their designs are stunning) and more about the auditory experience. Enjoy their sexy audio stories and intimate wellness sessions. Relatable, feminist, and celebratory.
MakeLoveNotPorn — MakeLoveNotPorn is a user-generated, crowd-sourced, and video-sharing platform that celebrates real world sex.
Quinn — Audio erotica is all the rage these days and Quinn brings you all the NSFW stories you could want for your next pleasure sesh.
Royal Fetish Films — BDSM erotica that brings passion, sensuality, sex appeal, romance and kink.
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If you find that you are obsessively watching porn, it’s okay (and healthy) to take a step back. Ask yourself the following questions:
What is “too much” porn? We binge watch television, watch sports all day, or watch a 2-hour movie. Is there something inherently wrong with my behavior or am I shaming myself because it’s porn? Where is this shame coming from?
What do I gain from watching porn? Do I actually enjoy watching porn or am I mostly trying to escape negative feelings, boredom, loneliness…?
What could I do instead of watching porn?
In what ways is porn negatively impacting my daily life? In what ways is it positively impacting my daily life?
How has my relationship with intimacy and sex changed from watching porn?
What would help me feel better about watching porn?
Is porn the right medium? What about exploring audio erotica, smut, or my own imagination?
It’s okay to not watch porn. It’s okay to watch porn. It’s your decision and it’s important not to shame yourself or beat yourself up about it. If you feel like porn is causing more harm than good in your life, ask yourself why. It can also help to talk to a certified sex therapist and take a break to reflect.
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This is a great question! And a super common one. Ultimately, the role of porn in your relationship will be determined by you and your partner. 🎬 However, I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with watching porn or masturbating while you’re in a relationship. In can be great source material for role play, fantasy, and exploring solo OR *with your partner.* 🎞💭❤️🔥
Talk openly about porn and be open to your partner’s opinions as well—positive and negative. If you’re insecure about your partner watching porn, that’s valid! Try to temporarily let go of any judgement and get curious. Ask them what they like, why they watch, and what turns them on. Maybe even watch it with them! 📺🔥 it’s okay to ease into it.
Porn-watching partner, be open! Share what you like. If you’re hiding your porn-viewing from your partner, that’s probably not the healthiest for cultivating trust and openness in your relationship (unless they don’t want to know!). If they’re against it, be receptive to their perspective and validate any insecurities that are coming up. You’re not doing anything inherently wrong, but if it hurts your partner, it’s important to talk about and find a REALISTIC solution that works for both of you.
Porn is not a comparison game between a person on screen and your real-life partner. Think about all the hotties we’re attracted to IRL or in movies/tv. It’s fun to fantasize and get a lil’ 😈. Could some of those 🌶 scenes turn into role play? Why not!
If porn is causing major challenges in your relationship, I would advise working with a sex therapist. Personally I would opt for one that doesn’t treat watching porn as wrong, dirty, or sinful. But that’s just me!
If you’re watching porn more than you want to have sex with your partner and that’s the issue, self-reflect on why and perhaps take a break from porn or see how you can explore *with* your partner. If you are the partner in this scenario, it’s totally normal to feel disheartened or insecure. Again, talk to your partner and consider seeking an unbiased third-party (therapist) for support. 💖
~Mia, the founder of tabú (my opinion only!)
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tabúTalks
Behind the Porn Scenes: A Conversation on Ethical Porn and the People Who Make It
Are there alternatives to Pornhub? What makes porn ethical? Dive into this juicy conversation about ethical porn with award-winning screenwriter and pornographic film director, Jacky St. James and Playboy model, porn performer, and 2020 AVN Trophy Girl, Scarlit Scandal, led by the one and only podcast host and journalist extraordinaire, Arielle Kaplan aka Whoregasmic.
Topics discussed:
What makes porn “ethical”? How can you find ethical porn?
How does ethical porn get made? What’s the difference between mainstream and ethical porn studios?
What does working in the porn industry look like? How does it impact personal relationships?
What happens behind the porn scenes? What don’t we see in the final product?
Do most porn performers have natural chemistry? What happens if they don’t?
Looking for ethical porn to satisfy your desires? Check out Bellesa! It’s basically Netflix for porn. Only $1 for first 14 days and then $10/mo!
Porn is entertainment, not education. Porn can give you an opportunity to explore your fantasies and desires. Not all fantasies translate into actual desires for your IRL sex life. There are many ways to stimulate your erotic mind (including audio). Figure out what you like and, if you have a partner, you can use porn/erotica as a spark for creativity and communication!
Is porn missing the mark for women?